Happy Valentine’s Day! February is a time to celebrate love with that special person in your life. Relationships however offer many challenges. But when handled with love, a relationship can transform from a rocky one into an extraordinary one. The following pointers are meant not only for you and your partner but also for all your relations.

10 Essential Relationship Rules

1. Vow to be happy in relationship. But many people would rather be right than happy. Pushing your point or argument only pushes the other person away and creates power-struggles. In the end, what’s accomplished when we win our point?

2. Don’t hit below the belt. Never use the other person’s weaknesses against him/her. When people feel criticized, judged or blamed, their defenses go up and trust diminishes. Also don’t police others by telling them what they’re doing wrong or what they should be doing.

3. Give people choices and acknowledge them. People get angry over two reasons: 1. Feeling powerless which includes feeling burdened, trapped, having no say in a matter, or given an ultimatum; 2. Not feeling liked or loved which means not feeling valued, appreciated, accepted, understood or not receiving attention.

4. Listen sincerely. Understand the other person’s point of view, emotion or thought especially during a conflict. When s/he feels heard, s/he’ll feel respected and trust develops. This creates a sense of safety in a relationship.

5. State your unarguable truth. Rather than shutting down or verbally attacking the other person during a conflict voice your feelings (anger, sadness or fear) and needs without blaming or trying to induce guilt. Use “I” sentences while avoiding the use of “you” in sentences.

6. Be direct in communication. Keep it concise and to the point. Long drawn out stories cause people to feel that they’re being held hostage and this leads to them tuning out or becoming angry. Also when communicating, make requests and not commands or demands.

7. Do what you say you’re going to do. This creates trust. Your words and actions must match. Your words are empty if they’re not followed up with action.

8. Acknowledge your part in a conflict. It’s seldom that one person is completely at fault. Look beyond the obvious reasons for a conflict. For example, you may be angry at your spouse for flirting with someone, but perhaps it’s because you haven’t been giving him/her attention recently. If you’ve erred in some way, own up to it.

9. Don’t become a therapist, teacher or parent to the other person. This creates power imbalances in relationship. Be supportive without telling a person what s/he should be doing or what s/he’s doing wrong. Avoid analyzing, teaching or preaching to the person.

10. Give love. Love is never distant, cold, punitive, hurtful, judgmental or critical. Love has no hidden agendas and does not test other’s love. Love is acceptance of a person as is without trying to change him /her. Love is supportive, understanding and respectful. Love is a transformative force that allows relationships to deepen and flourish.

By following through with these points the majority of the time, you can deepen a relationship and develop trust and safety.

I recently ended a relationship with a woman because she constantly needed attention. I sacrificed my needs to attend to hers. She would call me at all hours with some drama—her work or our relationship. I tried to support her but when I would tell her that I need to get back to work or get some sleep, she would explode in anger and hang up. This has occurred in other relationships where my needs become secondary to theirs. I know I’m somehow attracting these types of women and I want to know how I can break this frustrating cycle?
-- Tom

Since some people feed off of drama because it brings them attention, it’s important to not get sucked in by setting boundaries with them. Let them know firmly without attacking that it is unacceptable to call late at night or to carry on lengthy talks while at work. This may cause a fear of creating conflict but if you don’t do this, you’ll develop resentment.

Stop the frustrating cycle by being aware when dating someone new of his/her emotional maturity. For instance, if s/he dwells on negative issues or reveals a history of drama, it may behoove you to move on. This is also a good time to look at yourself to see what your payoff is in dating these women. It’s often due to temporarily fulfilling a sense of being needed and valued. We all want to feel desired and valued but enduring this type of behavior can lead to feeling used and abused. It then causes your self-worth to diminish. However, by not engaging in these relationships, it opens you to finding a healthier one.

For more information about Fierce First Step and the services offered please view our website at or call 415-294-4451.

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